Monday, July 5, 2010

The Procrastinator's Guide to Grillin Supremacy



...it happens, the coals are primed, the meat marinated, the beverages chilled, all's well. Then alas, you pick up that book, or a page of your WIP with revisions on the brain, and next thing you know, its been an hour, that foul odor entering your nostrils was supposed to be dinner, the family's hungry...and will remain that way until the pizza dude arrives. The dog gets to gnaw on the charred remains of what was once a chicken, and you've been relieved of grillin duties until further notice.


Yep, I've been there.


People who are not writers simply don't understand. When a spare minute presents itself, as in playing Emeril on the back patio while the meat simmers, the urge to work on one's project under the setting sun can be too persistent to ignore. And when not paid attention to...meat becomes smoked jerky, and wives forget about manners...even in front of dinner guests.


But that was then...


For writers, inventors, starving artists, procrastinator's and the like, grillin chicken has never been so easy,(and tasty:)


1. Grillin chicken works best with thighs, drumsticks, and of course, hotwings. And pass on those boneless skinless slabs of problematic dis-function.

2. Rinse the chicken under cool water and place into a roaster. Tossing raw chicken onto a flaming grill is like betting on a 3-legged horse at The Derby...no matter how you spin it, the outcome's not promising.

3. Once the bird is situated in the roaster, add either a half can of Coke, or the contents of a darker brewed beer. I personally lean toward Labatt Blue myself, but Coke does quite well.

4. Next, add a healthy supply of Worcestershire Sauce. Don't bother asking how much, just gauge the amount of meat in the roaster and go with it.

5. Sprinkle whatever spices you prefer upon the entire mess. Garlic salt, seasoned salt, pepper, something exotic from the Greek Islands, you get the idea.

6. Place the covered roaster on the grill, close the lid, find your favorite chair and that novel, do your best to hide that smirk as your loved ones eyeball the smoking grill pit fearfully, and relax. You've just earned yourself between 30-45 minutes of bliss, (depending on the size of your dinner,) while the contents in the roaster go to work.

7. Only when the meat starts to brown on the outside, do you even consider removing it from the roaster, but unfortunately, in time, it will.

8. Time to get serious. Remove each piece of chicken from the roaster and place them onto the grill with a dash of Worcestershire and your preferred barbecue sauce.

9. Allow to sizzle for no more than 5 minutes on either side, or all the work of roasting those important juices into the meat, will burn up like that novel idea you've been mentally pursuing for the past decade.

10. Roasting the meat preserves the taste, the five minute sizzle gives the skin that grilled texture we've all come to recognize as a perfectly charred specimen. It also "bakes" in the barbecue sauce, giving one the impression that you've been slaving over a hot grill for the past hour, when we all know better:)

...this technique also works with certain varieties of pork, but I'd advise against experimenting with that twenty dollar steak...something about tossing a steak into a roaster...it's just unethical.


21 comments:

The Words Crafter said...

What a great idea, and a funny post! I will have to try this, thanks! Hope your holiday was great and that you're ready for the week!

Melissa said...

This post made me chuckle. Excellent!

Lola Sharp said...

I relate...and much pizza has been eaten at my house.

But the rest of your post made me HUNGRY for BBQ!
Yummmmmm

Jemi Fraser said...

Funny and sounds delicious! :)

Portia said...

Mmm, now I'm hungry. That sounds gooooood!

Christine Danek said...

Funny post and now I'm hungry.
BTW--I left you an award on my blog. I forgot to go around and tell the recipients. I posted it on Friday.
Have a good one.

Nicole Murray said...

I am laughing and hungry. BTW, I have a thank you on my blog for you.

kimberlyloomis said...

Sounds wonderful! Hubby has recently gotten a smoker and found that chicken cooked in it is AWESOME. Sounds like it comes out similarly to what you did with a roaster.

And you're so right on about the steak. :)

Julie Musil said...

Seriously, I'm going to try this. I'm always afraid of pink boned chicken, so I overcook it. Thanks!

melissa said...

Just wanted to say how much I liked your blog. I'm a new author and i'm in the process of writing my first book. It's been a journey. I am now a follower here and will be back for updates.

Carolyn V. said...

Ummm, that sounds excellent!

Matthew Rush said...

Mmm ... slow cookin!

Robert Guthrie said...

Yes, that is the writing life - solidarity! And now I have apology chicken. It erases the past, yes?

Roland D. Yeomans said...

Love your grilling post. The post on the murder of the gulf breaks my heart. I live here right next to murder scene. The dying creatures of air and water tears at my heart when I pass them on my blood runs.

I have to share something neat.

No. No agent yet.

I mentioned an up-and-coming jazz singer in my post :

http://rolandyeomans.blogspot.com/2010/06/mesmers-i-had-lunch-with-death-today.html

... and this morning in the mail, I received an autographed copy of her latest CD, SOON, as thanks for mentioning her.

Wasn't that extraordinarily gracious of her? Just had to share with a friend, Roland

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Elliot Grace said...

Thanks everyone for your thoughts:) My goofy grillin post was designed for generating smiles...but in all seriousness, the roaster technique is a neat trick for some crazy-good barbecue chicken.

Kristy said...

That was funny. I love when people say "pizza dude." It's so 80s Corey Feldman.

Talei said...

I love BBQ's all year round...even in the snow. Our local butcher sells 'the best' garlic and rosemary marinated chicken thighs! mmm mm mm. And, I always get distracted writing when I should be making the salad, or watching the garlic bread...toasted croutons anyone? Lovely really, try one... ;)

Lisa Gail Green said...

So funny because I have dinner on the stove while I do this... :)

Olivia J. Herrell said...

Elliot, HI! I clicked over from Melissa's and I love your Holy-Charred-Chicken! post. I never knew that about not throwing raw chicken on a grill. Thanks for the heads-up. I'm going to scroll on down and read some more.

~That Rebel, Olivia

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